I shouldn't have even done it. I don't know why I do this to myself.
I decided to log on to our system's online attendance records and take a peek at my class roster.
I instantly felt ill. The walls of my chest started tightening and I felt an intense need to shake the jittery, jello-like feeling that was crawling up both of my legs, through my stomach and inching toward my quickening pulse.
Fifty six students were enrolled in my first period class. My others are already in the high 30s. Everyone assures me, "Oh it won't stay that way. It can't." I know this. However. One day is all it takes to absolutely and completely destroy any sense of logic or classroom order. One day of mob chaos is all it takes to squash my authority. It won't stay at fifty six. Of course not. But you can't most certainly determine it will stay at 40. Oh yes. It most certainly will.
I'm devastated by what is happening to World Languages in high schools. It used to be that World Language classes were academic electives, classes geared towards college-bound students. I am not saying that I am "above" teaching students that are not college-bound. Certainly not. Many of my students not on the college-track are some of my most devoted students. But what I simply cannot do anymore is water down the curriculum more for students that didn't ask to be in Spanish, they were simply placed there due to a lack of funding for other electives. Electives cease to be electives is students are told, "this is the only open class." Their counselors promise them "it's a fun class" and a "great opportunity."
I am tired of being asked to be an entertainer to these mob classes of students that did not ask to take a foreign language. Instead of providing a challenging and worthwhile curriculum for the capable students that want to be there, I am forced to water down my course so that students can fill an empty slot in the schedules. Only about half of my students have the study skills necessary and desire to take my class seriously. And it's the half that doesn't want to be there that is a constant drain of my time and energy: having to re-write assignments to make them easier to understand, dealing with their constant behavioral disruptions and negative attitudes, grading their absolutely atrocious assessments that only confirm that they could care less about my class.
I am done. Burned out and ready to wave the white flag. I have taught my heart out, tried to design the most engaging lessons possible. I've ran my classroom with all of the proper classroom management tools in place. I've built relationships with students and you know what? I'm good at it. Really good at it. But I am sick of having to work this hard all the time, calculate every response, every transition, predict every bad-case scenario. People say, "be less of a perfectionist." They don't understand. To keep order in my classroom of 38+ kids, many with learning disorders and behavioral problems you have to be that on top of it. There is no other option unless you are willing to accept complete chaos and not care that the students aren't learning.
I am actively pursuing other options. I would like to stay within the education profession but I am open to major changes, and looking everywhere. This fall I am starting my librarian certification process and I hope that moving into a specialty position could improve my attitude about education.
I am fortunate to have a job. I am grateful that I can provide for myself and understand that I am fortunate. But I am very unhappy. The only way I can walk back into that school this fall is if I have a deep commitment to a different future and understanding that I will get out when an opportunity presents itself.
This was for so many years my dream - to teach Spanish, to get students excited about language and culture and traveling! Studying Spanish brought me so much joy and filled my life with so many exciting friendships and opportunities. To shelf this dream is devastating. But I think I understand it now. To be happy in my current job my dream would need to be inspiring reluctant and distressed youth.
So, while I am still mourning the loss of this dream, I am brightening my outlook by cultivating some new dreams. The idea of having to go through another year like last year is almost too much to think about - but I know I can do it, it won't last forever, and that I'm staying to provide for myself and my family. Something good will come, but it's going to take patience and self-preservation. I'll go on through the gauntlet, but I'm holding firm to the belief that this is not it, that I'll find something better.
I'm not asking that my career be the dream I originally conjured up in my hopeful, idealizing teen-aged brain. The rose-colored lenses are off, smashed, and been replaced with a vision of reality. I'm just hoping for something I can tolerate and grow with. It can be challenging and frustrating...all jobs are! I just need my new job to have a little more hope and joy.
It's going to be okay. This won't last forever and I'm excited for a future where I am happier and living a more balanced life.
