Standstill

Alright, time to get my head into the game.

I've got two classes that are difficult, two classes that are marginal, and one class that simply blows my mind.

My smallest class is my worst.  They are chatty, disinterested, whine about how they don't know anything, they learned nothing last year, etc.

My largest class is so fun.  There are thirty six of them and they are always all there.  Every seat in my classroom is filled but they come in with this sense of community, purpose and responsibility.  It is the only class that I might actually get ten minutes to sit at my desk and organize something while they are testing or doing a free write.  They go for it.  They act silly, they get up and dance.  I feel like asking them, "Who are you people and where have you hidden the teenagers?!"

I think the powers that be knew that I needed this class this year.  The truth is I am getting so discouraged.  Was this the right career path for me? I get up every morning with a sense of dread rather than possibility.  I try to picture starting a family with this career and I just can't even begin to imagine.  The stress, the constant scrutiny from parents, the community, the general negativity of the school - it wears me down and makes me feel small.  I think about the fact that I'm only twenty five and how maybe I'm too young to shoulder this kind of responsibility.  I know that there are many wonderful young teachers out there, but some days I dream of sitting at a desk at an office, peacefully sipping my coffee and steadily plodding away at my work.  I think about how I wouldn't be in bed at 8:30 every night, or how I could have a seven o'clock dinner with a friend.  I think about how I could stay up watching a movie with my husband and if I was tired the next day I would just hunker in at my desk and not have to answer to 160+ students.  I think about driving home and leaving work behind, waking up in the morning without sense of urgency or nervousness.

I think about it a lot. 

I spent my whole childhood playing teacher and dreaming about my future classroom and future students.  I went to college knowing exactly what I wanted to major in.  I student taught and had my dream job fall into my lap. Maybe that's the problem - the idealization of it all. 

I know I will finish the year.  I know that I make a difference and that like any career, teaching comes with highs and lows.  I've only had one job that I've liked and it might just be that I am not a strong career type.  I would classify myself as a "lazy overachiever."  I'd rather not spend time doing work, but if I am going to do it has to be perfect.  I don't operate well around chaos and I refuse to leave any lesson to chance.  So I plan, plan, plan, plan.  However, rather than reveling in my perfect creation or masterpiece I resent it because it took me so long and I hated the process.  That looks pretty ugly written in plain print, but it's the truth. 

I've decided the negative attitude has to go.  I don't like seeing it on my students and I'm quite certain it's no more attractive worn by me.  Enter blogging.  If I write it out I can get it out of my system, close my laptop and leave it to the cybersphere. 

So now, after the blue sad thoughts I have a question that burns to be answered.  At what point do I need to take a step back and really make a tough choice?