Gratitude

Christmas break was just as it should have been.  Long walks on the trails with my pup, lots of flickering fires, and daily simple indulgences.  There is something soothing about each hour of the day being wide open.  That 5:00 doesn't mean wake up, 7:00 doesn't mean "scramble to get your lesson ready" that 8:00 doesn't mean it's time to settle in for the night.  The freedom to unwind into every hour was liberating...but oh so hard to face the reality of that first Monday morning.  I was salty to say the least on the Sunday before school started.

It hit me hard, the reality of another semester. The more I kept telling myself, "Relax.  It's not that bad, it's not that bad, stop being dramatic," the more the tears kept flowing and I felt the pressure of next four months weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  Panic, helplessness, fear and a terrible feeling that I'm on a path I can't diverge from, not even for a minute.

It's no secret to my friends, family, and a handful of my colleagues that I'm struggling as a teacher.  But in an effort to react slowly and thoughtfully (and to not uproot my entire life), I've asked myself the following questions, and answered honestly.

1.  Do you have good days?
Yes.  There are days when I walk out of the building and can honestly say, "That wasn't so bad."

2.  Is there any time at which you enjoy teaching?
Yes.  I have one class that I truly look forward to seeing.  They are the glimmer of hope in my day.  They are the ones that make me realize, "Wow!  I get it.  Now I can understand these teachers that pour their hearts into this."  Their enthusiasm is contagious.  Their ability to work together inspiring.  I trust them.  I can push forward with the content, present them with challenges.  I feel like a teacher in this class.

3.  Are you doing a "good" job?
Yes.  Perfect? No.  I have a long ways to go, but generally, if you come into my classroom you will see my students learning and you will see me effectively managing my classroom.

4.  Is it getting easier?
Yes.  At the rate at which I hoped it would get easier? No.  But it is getting easier.

The fact that I could answer "yes" to these questions made me feel more positive.  There are other questions I could ask myself, questions that I know I wouldn't like the answer to.  But for now, for this week, this month, maybe even this year, I'm going to hang on to these few.

2012 was a year of blessings.  My husband and I purchased our dream home (maybe more than a dream home because I honestly could not have even dreamt a home this wonderful) a new puppy, and last month we finished our barn and paddock.  We now have two fuzzy Icelandic ponies ready for riding and fun adventures.  I have everything I could have ever wanted, and I'm only twenty five years old.  It's absurd.  It's amazing.

So as 2013 enters I am going to hold tightly to the word "gratitude." I am going to find reasons to be grateful at school.  I have to do this.  Even if I get snarky and say that I'm grateful for my planning period, or grateful for my coffee mug, I am going to be grateful.  I am going to say thank you to everyone that has worked so hard to make my life this amazing.  I am going to find reasons to be grateful for my students.  I am going to acknowledge that life is in full swing and that today is the day to start paying attention to how much I have.  I have an abundance of joy in my life that I simply cannot allow my less-than-perfect career to distract me from.  It's time to work and work and live at home.  It's time to live with awareness and joy.

And just maybe, after it gets a little easier, I'll put more of my heart into my teaching practice.  But for now I need to live my life as a whole person and be grateful, grateful, grateful.